Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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