party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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