we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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