I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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