I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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