I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
