Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
