We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
