my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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