Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
