you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
