I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
