I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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