I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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