she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
