my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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