Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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