You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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