I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize
