Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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