I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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