If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
