dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
