please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
