i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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