im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
