You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
