how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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