And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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