Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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