Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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