Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I deserve this hangover.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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