What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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