my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
