Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
