We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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