got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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