i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
