somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
