your thong is hanging out like whoa
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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