This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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