I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
