I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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