You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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