I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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