Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
