Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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