i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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