A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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