I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
