I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
