in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
