i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize