$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
