You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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