smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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