I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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