Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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